A slideshow was given by Mike Devlin, Director of coaching at BCU. He showed a breathtaking set of photos from a number of trips to the south pacific ocean, taking it visits to the falklands, Antaritic, and an attempt to circumnavigate James Ross Island often ice bound within the Ice sheets of the Larson Ice Shelf. Some amazing photos and a video of penguin surfing.

An early night followed for some, I perhaps stupidly kept up the late night tradition on behalf of the club. Guess who slept in the next morning, nearly missing my cooked breakfast. Of course my alarms (all three of them) did go off, I just slept through them unlike the other 4 people I was sharing a room with, (did i mention that they went off over an hour before people actually had to get up at). Thanks go to Doug for making my lunch while I ate.

First session went well with Mike McClure expertly teaching us the EMM of Sea Kayaking, Efficiency, Momentum & Mobility. Pushing the boundarys of a no. 4 edge in a sea kayak nearly saw me tip over but good old bracing saved me from getting my hair wet. An unlucky lady over from England took a swim when we went out in the windy exposed part of the lake, Mike had her back in her boat before you could say “brrrr its windy”.

A quick tea break later and it was back on the water for canoe sailing. I had seen kids at outdoor centers do this activity before but it had never seemed that successful. A great sail building masterclass and we were soon speeding down the lake at a rate of knots (isnt that a silly gay sailing term), obviously our ship building was a different class to those i had seen before.

The stop for lunch was a welcome break and it was good to get chatting to so many people. For the WWSR session we got dropped at the bridge at the top of the river lennan, a dry land introductory session was delivered by Rodger Hamilton then it was on to the river to practice a few different techniques for guiding people down the river. A little surfing on the wave followed with me getting my face wet for the first time for the day, doh! then we switched instructors and were passed into the capable hands of the two Daves, Irish Dave Carroll and Scottish Dave. We learnt the science of throw ropes, various techniques and then took part in throwbag olympics. The eager instructors were all to willing to jump into the river to play the part of swimming casulties, showing off their drysuits of course.

Back to the center, a hot shower and a hearty dinner followed by two portions of apple crumble put the world to right. Off down to the boat house for the evenings activities. Mike from BCU did a Q&A session on the new coaching scheme for all interested parties; A CANI member did a short session on leave no trace followed by the extremely well supported paddlefest raffle. Many very good prizes donated, proceeds going to a very worthy cause. Doug ended up with a voucher for coaching sessions with Mobile Team Adventure, and Joan and I ended up with t-shirts and Dolores got a mug thrown into the audience which I directed her way with my fist via her bottle of wine. Then the star of the show Dave Caroll took to the stage, starting with a few disco moves, a few mexican waves then onto his video of his recent trip to the Zanskar Gorge in the Himalayas.  A grade 3/4 river had its highest water levels in over 30 years, resulting in the group having to stop mid river and trek for three days out over mountain passes of over 15,000ft, They then negotiated with some locals to recover their boats before they started it all again, this time successfully.  You would think the man is a comedian and not a kayaker, an excellent delivery kept the crowd entertained all night.  The finish to the talk Ashley being crowdsurfed

There were two Squirrels drinking in a bar.  After too many Chestnut Beers,  One Squirrel said to the other Squirrel.  “…I think we should make use of these long summer days and improve our kayaking skills…”  The other Squirrel called Garfunkel said “…Yes Jeffery I think that would be a good idea, we could also begin Horseback Archery Lessons….”

 

And then the UUJCC back to basics Shaw’s Bridge meets where born.  Covering the BCU 3 star syllabus, many Squirrels flocked to Shaw’s Bridge every Wednesday at 7 over the summer.

 

The Squirrels where told at the start of every lesson to ‘over exaggerate every rotation’ and ‘And lean slightly forward into an Aggressive position.’  There was particularly stupid Squirrel who had to be told many times that 3 parts of a forward stroke are called the catch, the draw and the slice.

 

However the remaining Squirrels got better and better at the strokes and enjoyed learning them outside of the Pool, in the nice weather and in a body of water greater than 25m x 10m which was getting very small for some Squirrels.

 

The teaching then moved on to the white water section at Shaw’s.  Again all the Squirrels enjoyed the structure and regular kayaking sessions in the white water and began to play more and more in it.  

 

One Squirrel had only ever rolled in the pool before and when playing on the second drop down from the bridge he was doing really well surfing the standing wave, but had forgotten what the coach Squirrel said he would have to do to get out of it.  As a last resort he put on no.3 edge which quickly turned to no.4 edge, then 5, 6 and stopped at 7.  When Melvin could see the River Bed and could no longer breath air, he soon realised he was under the water he managed to Roll!  The Squirrel was really happy with his first River Roll in the flow and all his Squirrel friends still owe him a pint of Chestnut Beer.

 

Unfortunately the Back to Basics sessions stopped as the days got shorter.  As the Squirrels couldn’t find Night Vision Goggles in their size but, some of the Squirrels are still out at Shaw’s Bridge practicing at the weekends and are really looking forward to the rain this winter, to get out and do different Rivers. 

 

The End

Perhaps Joan and I should have called each other instead of texting when organising this evenings run to Strangford Lough. After both walking to Malone we realised not only did neither of us know the way to Killyleagh but neither of us had actually brought the car to drive to Killyleagh either!!…. not to worry, Rick Cabs saved the day and after a quick jaunt to my house to pick up the car we were on our way!

As we pulled up to the Tollymore trailer Mark, Tom and the rest of the group were already getting the boats off and the sun was on its way towards the horizon. We quickly geared up, Joan opting to try one of the toasty looking hooded cags on offer from Tollymore’s huge pile of gear.

So after Oisin had let my footrests out about a foot ('You’re not in a playboat now Jenny'…sea kayakers like to be able to feel their feet apparently…weirdos!) we popped our dry bags (with food, torches, spare clothes and warm drinks) into the storage hatches, donned our woolly hats, and we were off!

With poor weather forecast all week we were delighted at the perfectly calm evening, the water was like glass as we started off along the coast. Everyone quickly got the hang of the longer paddles and edging ‘the wrong way’ and we soon had a fair speed going as we got to grips with the beautiful gliding motion of the sea kayaks. The red sky created a perfect backdrop to the coastal scenery and as the sun began to set we buddied up and headed towards open water and the many islands of the Lough.
 
As darkness set in we switched on our head-torches and put in on an island for a yummy picnic. Oisin and Simon handed out glow sticks, but much to our disappointment there was no rave … we were to attach the glow sticks to our BAs to keep track of each other in the darkness.

The fibreglass sea kayaks can’t be launched from the rocks and there were a few squeaks and splashes ( Tom!)as people negotiated the slippery seaweed to get back into the boats in shallow water… and once again we were off, except this time in the dark!!!

I can’t fully describe the feeling of utter calm I experienced as the banter died away and we glided along in the moonlight.

 (OK so the calm was briefly interrupted by smacking and splashing paddles when we discovered that the glowing phytoplankton in the water created sparks of shimmering blue light when disturbed)

All thoughts of work/money/stress melted away as we paddled along; blue, yellow and pink glow sticks bobbing psychedelically around me, every paddle-stroke sending shimmering vortexes of bioluminescence through the water. The sea felt warm to the touch and the smell of salt and seaweed filled my head. The journey was over much too quickly and it was going to be a long 6 days until my next encounter with sea kayaking…..
 
  Jen.

It was sunny, magicseaweed predicted surf but it was wednesday and we had been in work all day and had to go again tomorrow.  My new shiny surfboat hadn't been surfed yet so we decided to head for Whiterocks and worry about sleep and rest another time.  Roisin, Kevin and Will (me) met at Jordanstown at about 6 and the journey began.

When we got to the beach it seemed calm but it was just the misty heat haze making the beach hard to see.  We got kitted up and paddled out, the waves weren't the biggest but were coming in sets a few minutes apart, up to about 3 feet and staying green for ages.  The new surf boat felt really tippy at first but we decided to go for a paddle along the coast to look at the caves towards Dunluce Castle.  After about five hundred metres of paddling we met two very random people just floating there in the water.  "what are yous doing" asked Roisin, "ah, just out fer a swum rown the arches" one of them shouted back.  Ahh, they're locals, better just leave them then, they must do this a lot.  We had a look at the caves and then went back to the beach for some more surfing.  I gradually got used to the instability of the Amoeba but decided that the backrest needed to be further forward and the thigh grips were too small.  When I finish padding it out it will be a lot more controllable.  It is far more stable on a wave than my other boat and just wants to carve, even the slightest bit of edge and the rail just grips and grips forcing you to fly along the wave, even managing to outrun the shoulder - when I get fins it'll probably just be crazy fast.  It can catch waves far earlier than anything I've paddled before, making me wonder if they were staying green for longer or if I was just catching them earlier.

We got back to the sheds around midnight after a good few hours paddling.

Decided with this recent spate of raining that some rivers must at least be back to normal if not full. So we took a wee jaunt down to Omagh to have a look.

Decided to run the Glenelly, a trib of the Owenkillew from plum bridge down to the usual get-out, its a grade 3 in the guidebook but I wouldn't have graded it that on the day, maybe with a few more feet of water it could get a little trickier...

It feels like a more natural progression to the gorge than the Owenkillew itself, which changes its style rapidly, in that there are several other narrow rocky sections in it- although it has to be said none of them are as good as the gorge itself.

It also has to be said that this section skips out the keyhole play spot without adding any playspots of its own.

Still, its a nice little run that's grade two at low water but still runnable and looks like it could be interesting with a bit more water- when we ran it the water was just coming up to the foundations of the bridge with a few little scrapes to get down it so if the water is any lower than there don't run it!

It also appears to be the long lost breeding grounds of the midges, there was literally thousands of them- at one point I was running rapids with my mouth and eyes closed!

The gorge had enough water to run through cleanly and we even tackled the now misnamed 'killer' weir (Kudos to Tom, the first UUJ member to ever run this section) following the fine example from Queens last freshers.

Then it was off to lie in the sun at the get-out as we accidentally locked the get-out car keys in the get-in car , thanks again to Mark2 for walking all the way back and thanks to the generous Mirc owner who give him a lift!

Well its been a while but I think its time to get the journal up and running again!

Rick

Christine myself (Colm) and one of Chris's mates Micheal headed out for a paddle on Sunday afternoon near Tandragee in Clare Glen.  The name of the river was Cusher and it wasn't in bad nick.  There was a few shallow parts but in all it was good to be out again.  It's a good place to ease yourself back in again as there were plenty of handy bits and a few interesting wee drops / gradients.

Can't wait till get out again; see you guys Wednesday,

Colm

Yes thats right, I have finally ended my period of mourning for my lost Cag, this was marked by the cerimonial purchase of a new supa-lite-weight palm model with stylish helmet accessory.

It was properly tested on a wee trip down the Lower Bann, new cag appears to work well holding water out and pee in.

Medium water levels ment it was also a good session for some beginners that came along, showing some early promise.

Friday 3pm onwards

The weekend of the 6th December saw us off on another quest to mind some white stuff in the West Country. After the (what has now become standard) standing phoning/faxing either end of the country 'half an hour before we are due to leave' to get permission from some one sitting in an office to go paddling. 2 Hrs later the pressure was off, the fax came through and the bus keys where in my pocket, we were away.

After a speedy loading of the trailer and a quick dash round Tesco's, for beer and bacon, we hit the motorway.. Oh yea. A few hours later we where standing at the front door of the old school house in Gortin. Once we got the fire lit and had a beer or two we headed to Wards Bar. Where the craic is guaranteed to last into the wee hours of the morning. And this night was no exception.

Saturday

After spending the night in a dam bed we where wakened to the sound of the Ketchup song played at 4 1/2 thousand revs. After a feed of porridge for those who could stomach it, it was neoprene for the rest of day. Once James and Emma arrived, we met up with Paddy and his crew from Letterkenny IT College under the bridge at the side of the Owenkillew.

This was the start of a fun filled day where people learned some kayak stuff. From ferry gliding across fast flow, to breaking out and pulling off some stern dips. It was evident that confidence was plentiful (even in a prozone) by the end of the day. It was so plentiful that it resulted in a few spills and a swimmer (yes my face is red). But to all intents and purposes it doesn't count because I pulled off several pirouettes before hand. I was just tired. Lee thanks for the assistance. That was a potential swim beer but you didn't stick around. All the craic lingered around the Key Hole like flies on shite. Pictures can be viewed on the photos page of our web site.

NB Some of the best pictures ever recorded from UUJCC. So good there is also a link on the Irish freestyle website to them. oooooh

Next was the 'gorgue' (that is purposefully spelt like that, club joke). Well what can I say still no swimmers. I hate writing about my self but the picture is there to prove that I came down vertically for about 20 yards 'oh yea rock on Tommy'. Nice pics Weeel.

At the bottom in the fast flow the lads from Letterkenny Lee, Decky, and another tall boy showed off there stern dips, not bad.

That was about the excitement for the day we were all whacked and ready for bed.

Back at the hostel

Before James headed back to Belfast we had a wee surprise for him. We decided amongst our selves that he was long over due some gratitude for his service and effort over the many years at the reins of the club safety. I'd just like to formally say

" Thank you James on behalf of the club, and may the future bring plenty more paddling your way" Thank you.

We presented James with an engraved hip flask for his services, and a speech from Rick that had a tear in everyone's eye.

Once we showered, cracked open more beer and thawed out in front of the fire. While Sarah and Kieran, (alias Jaws Hamilton and Sparky Robinson, this weekend we all discovered our Porn names. The idea is that you take the name of your first pet and your mothers maiden name and you're a porn star, but the vest helps.) made a feed of pasta and stuff mmm. It was very tasty. Does any other club reading this have a strict diet of pasta on EVERY club trip? It has became as common as bringing a wetsuit. Tesco is bound to have some other cheap crap that we can dine on.

Now we were all rested we played Twister for a while. But it always turns out more a fixed games resulting in possibilities for Karma Sutra. Then Rick and Jenny decided that they had enough and headed back to Belfast for a climbing comp on Sunday.

Sunday

Back on the Same River for more run and games. Mind you there were fewer paddlers, but that didn't deter the keen. We played our way down the river learning as we went. Bernard the hired in coach was more that helpful, thanks Bernard we'll be calling on you again.

We arrived back in Jordanstown and unloaded the trailer in record time.

The End of Year Trip, Surfing at Bundoran - What could possibly go wrong?

Friday Afternoon

Its raining, heavily. Stormy all over. We're wondering if the union will give us the bus in this weather.

Plus we only have one driver....

Plus we're camping, and at this rate will be able to surf our tents in the campsite

And the risk assessment wasn't handed in...

As it turns out, the bus wasn't actually booked anyway...

We hang around the union for a while trying to persuade them to give us a bus anyway, we end up faxing the risk assessment up to Magee where the only person who can clear it is in a meeting. The weather, meanwhile is getting worse.

Heather, who's going on a trip with us for the first time is stunned into silence by our efficiency and organisation.

We eventually get word that the risk assessment has cleared, plus some other club cancelled their trip leaving us a bus!

Billy seems initially reluctant to let us go with only one driver, but finding out its Weel, he agrees. Whatever Weel did to get the bus last time still seems to be paying off..

Friday Evening

We got to Bundoran in fairly good time and set out looking for a campsite. We found one and Kieran revealed previously unknown bartering skills as he managed to get the campsite manager to knock the price down until we could afford it. Plus, seeming to realise we were students he threw in shower tokens. He pointed us in the direction of a muddy looking field and told us to camp there. Weel feeling that he hadn't had a chance to show off his amazing driving skills, and urged on by Heather, floored the accelerator and headed for the muddiest part of the field.

Yes, we got completely stuck! Numerous rescue attempts failed, we tried everything, including sticking bits of wood under the wheels, reversing the bus out, everybody pushing the bus forward, then trying backwards.. None worked. Eventually we decided to go get the campsite manager, despite the fact we'd covered his field in skid marks and plundered his pile of building materials for wood. Weel was the logical person to be voulenteered SINCE IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT!! (and Heathers!). The manager turned up to have a look at the wreckage we'd managed to create with 10 minutes of being there. He told us that the only tractor he had which could pull us out was away to some far-away place and wouldn't be back till the next day. Surfing was looking less and less likely by the minute. Eventually we stopped staring at the bus and put the tents up.

To dull the thought that we might have to explain to Billy why we came back to Belfast by train, we went to the pub, at last! Some people, to cries of "Faders!" went back to the campsite at about 1.00, the rest followed at random intervals until almost everyone was peacefully sleeping (within only another 30mins, faders indeed!) Well apart from a Dubliner who "met people". Suddenly, through the night came cries of pain as Rick and Jenny arrived back and Rick tried to take Jenny's shoes off to put her to bed (awwh! he's getting soft!). Jenny, however seemed to be under the impression he was stealing them and fought back bravely, much to Ricks discomfort.

Saturday

Prompted by Weel the manager turned up with a tiny tractor, apparently he'd decided that if he didn't get the bus out he might never be rid of us. He tied a rope to the front of the bus.... Took a run up...

And his wheels began to spin

And his bumper nearly came off

Eventually, with the manager near cardiac arrest the bus came free! Yippee!

We headed down to the usual beach to go surfing, after a couple of detours, and a really excellent 3-point turn by Weel when we got stuck down a narrow lane, which ALMOST made up for the previous day, we were at the beach. Maura, Fiona, and Sarah decided the waves were too big for surfing so went body-boarding instead. Weel, Rick, Niall and Kieran headed in on the boats and Jenny flew her kite on the beach. After we'd all decided we'd had enough, we headed into the pub, where Jenny and Rick announced they were leaving us since Rick had his final year presentation on Monday. They left and we were pleasantly surprised to see that Jenny had left us her wallet, very kind of her.

Back at campsite we dumped the trailer and found Rick and Jenny taking their tent down, so they rescued Jenny's wallet from us. Yet again we headed out to the pub(s). Ending up at bar with a hen-night and truly awful rock band, Kieran and Sarah headed back. The rest stayed and as they can't remember where they went, they must have had a good time.

Sunday

We headed back to the beach for more bodyboarding and surfing, the waves were even bigger than the previous day, up to about 6ft at times. Everybody headed in and Heather and Niall joined the bodyboarders while the surfers were reduced to just Kieran and Weel. The bodyboarders headed to the pub to wait for the surfers to come out, they were waiting a long time as Weel and Kieran decided to wait for the tide to come in so they wouldn't have to pull their boats 100yrds up the beach... We headed back to Jordanstown, only to meet Rick at the boat sheds. He'd lost the keys to his house in Bundoran and had been staying at Jenny's till we came back. Unfortunately they wern't on the bus and his landlady was nowhere to be found, so he left wondering where he was going to get a suit for his presentation the next morning...

This trip unleashed the poetic powers of some club members, here's the results:

When Weeels on the bus it,
SPINS SPINS SPINS,
SPINS SPINS SPINS,
SPINS SPINS SPINS,
When Weeels on the bus it,
SPINS SPINS SPINS
All day long.
(composed by Niall)

Weeel the original racer guy
We let him drive the bus eh why?
Because of true Weeel rally passion,
The bus was bogged in proper fashion,
Don’t know what race you were trying to win,
But man you sure made that minibus spin.
Rescue attempts failed it was truly stuck,
Planks wouldn’t even work, oh flying…..muck,
It looked like the end for the new minibus,
But Weeel really didn’t see the big fuss,
Rim deep in mud may have been the worrying factor,
The camp manager to the rescue with his tiny tractor.
All was grand in the end you see,
And it really wasn’t anything to do with me!
Weeel it looks like you may just get the sack,
Miss Kayak will have to go on your own roof rack.
(Disclaimer: I had nothing to do with the notion of going off road and I would just like to say “I am proud of u wweeeeeeeelllll”)
(composed by Heather)

The Easter trip to Wicklow, promising a fun river, a scary waterfall and of-course the usual merriment.

Thursday 4 April 02

24 hrs until departure for Wicklow.

Problem: paddling in Wicklow would involve scraping along the bottom of the river and possible getting out and pushing. This was looking likely and so far back up plans involve doing what all great Irishmen would when board in Wicklow, that’s right, DRINK, FECK, ARSE, GIRLS. However even our resident hardened drinker thought Wicklow was to far to go just for a drinking weekend.

A plan was quickly formed late that Thursday eve, it would be off to White Rocks, on the assumption that there would be water in the ocean.

Problem: where are we going to find accommodation for 10 people cheaply in Portrush with a days notice?

Tents!! Put forward in sarcasm, Rick was quick to take up the idea, must have been the thought of all those ladies in the same tent . A quick ring round secured the tents we needed and it was off to the beach.

Problem: No one had done a risk assessment for white rocks, the Uni was closed and there was no Billy to get a bus from.

Friday 5 April 02

We turned up at the shed hopeful, well most of us, some had yet to pack assuming we would be going nowhere. Will came through with a minibus; God only knows what he done to get the keys from Billy.

Ok, so now we are all set. Well no, as it happens, nobody had a key for the trailer, and Shane was thought to be in Clare. Will and Kieran got a hammer and chisel and a hacksaw, only to have their fun spoilt by Shane who ended up being in Jordanstown.

After one or two other delays, i.e. Rick going home to pack only to find out when he got there his keys were back at the shed, we were off, on possibly the worst organised trip ever. Though records were broken, as we were only 15 minutes behind schedule, compared to the usual 2 hours.

One "scenic route" trip later, thanks to Weeeell, the club arrived. Surfing and Body-Boarding till sundown at 7ish. Reasonable surf, an empty beach and no one swam, perfect. On to the campsite, where a sadistic owner decided to make us take the bus through a stone gate with an inch clearance to either side. Much credit to Will who saved the bus, shame about the trailer and the guy’s wall!!

Jenny impressed us all with her Circus tent. Rick and herself taking one half, and Jimmy the other. Apparently the noises in the night are to be blamed on the Circus Animals (so that’s what they call it now days). Dinner was had in a Don Giovanni’s (in your best Italian accent). Will wonders never cease, the club eating in a posh restaurant? And all sober too. Jimmy arrived as the food was served, and quickly left looking sad and lonely, though he was quick to find a chippy.

The usual drinking was done at the campsite in the minibus, though in moderation. And the children went of to play in the park in the middle of the night.

Saturday 6 April 02

Early morning sabotage to tents to get people up etc. After the earliest start the club has ever made we get to the beach to find no surf. Will decided "I’m gonna dig me a hole" and did. A sand mountain was erected, then so was Jimmy as he created him a sandwoman. After two hours of fun, during which Rick and Jenny made a mysterious trip to the sand dunes, and some praying to the great surf gods above the waves finally came. A great afternoon of surfing, with Richard hugging and kissing his new demo boat with every opportunity. The waves got a little crazy, mangling both Jenny and Kieran, who were quick to learn the pole volt from Rick. Will sank 2 or 3 times, blaming his deck, (a likely story).

The worst organised trip ever, which saw the least amount of drinking, yet went of with less glitches or delays than ever, possible more paddling than ever and was great craic!!

Things were buzzing in the little village of Easkey, Friday night as the canoe clubbers poured into the exclusive location. Olga arrived first…..wrecked from chatting up local talent on the bus from Sligo..Odhran and Dougal next appeared, having been specially flown in by the Irish AirCorp, after Dougal allegedly tee-totalled his 'Rolls Rover' in Cashel

Meanwhile at Jordanstown, Shane worried that he might miss his bed time…the crew discovered that their ropes had been stolen…how were they to tie on the boats????? So…while James and Emma drove off to B&Q, Shane and Will managed to locate the resident canoe shed mouse and interrogate him (don't worry animal lovers..it wasn't violent..Shane's a vegetarian!)…after lots of cheese dangling the mouse gave in and revealed….RICK!…...we finally solved the mystery..

Mouse was subsequently rewarded with a bag of sugar for himself and rights to any boat he wanted to sleep in (with a few minor exceptions)… As the early arrivals checked out the local watering holes with their tour guide, the bustrippers were making their way….Jimmy somehow managed to stop off at Christina's for a savage meal….of lovin'!!!!!!

They finally arrived, pouring into the pub… Gerry fearing that sobriety was too much started the race to catch up on the other steaming members.. Dougal meanwhile was discussing the benefit of a good fitting wellie with a local farmer…. And the lovers started as they intended to go along…..staring longingly into each other's eyes… And the mingling went on into the wee hours!! Around bedtime, Olga discovered that she had left her negligée in Mags' house, so off they went on the bus…causing a slight stir in The McGrath household, which woke everyone up…

Everyone had nearly passed out from exhaustion…..or alcohol infusion…nearly everyone… At approximately 5.30am the hostel was struck by an unexpected tidal wave, the only one sober enough to notice being Margaret……there was a shadow-fountain pouring onto a bed…quickly, others noticed the sloshing noise… When the eternity ended..Odhran and Dougal removed themselves from the carnage site, leaving a distraught, traumatised Margaret abandoned…so she sought refuge with mammy Olga..

Just when things had settled down, a big CRASH-BOOM-BANG stirred the club…Gerry, so overcome with the incident (and copious amounts of vodka) had fallen down the stairs…. On recovery, Dougal comforted the bleeding wreck with the words of W.B. Yeats "Allrite there mucker" in his newly acquired Cork accent!!

Later that day… Bobbie The Stud Graham arrived, breaking the sound, speed and Garda barrier to get paddling arrived…. he's fierce keen ya know!! The river was pumpin' so the lads in-the-know put on the gear - Odhran exclusively decked out in a babygro, while Dougal scabbed gear off Freshers… And off they went…meanwhile the chicks cruised in the Schumacher Polo as the newly recruited Shuttle Bunnies…

Later that day swimmers were announced..the prize (as ever) going to Jimmy, but this time along with Gerry…..it was really because they were wrecked..one from all the lovin' and the other from..well..we'll not go into that again!!!!!! The freshers paddled the last section..in the distance two of them could be spotted trying to hold hands…!!!!!!!!!!

Then back to the hostel for showers and gourmet spag-bol prepared by exquisite chefs!! But! The shower queue was backed all the way up the hall for ages…investigators found the reason was caused by the newly joined at the hips, knees, ankles and toes couple were occupying the shower for a big scrub down!! Eh, who went in afterward???!!!

Drinking resumed, with most of the gang talking shite…Dougal however had other agendas…cracking onto a 57 year old mother of ten…AND HE WAS SHOT-DOWN!!!!!! - gettin' old and so are his techniques!!!! Next day the river was lower and almost everyone donned a wetsuit…paddling brilliantly..Will we hear managed to pull off a roll…nice one! That evening, Shane had gone AWOL with Bobbies aunty and James' girlfriend..and were missing for HOURS!! Poor Bobbie was stranded at Easkey castle with just his boat for company…we finally located the very tired looking diva Shane and headed for home!

On arrival at the sheds, mouse couldn't be located…but left plenty of waste behind, after the WHOLE bag of sugar proved just too much… As for Rick the rope nabber…he'll find himself tied up when he least expects it………..watch this space!!

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!

The Roving Reporter (Dougal)

Over the Xmas period a number of interesting facts were disclosed by her Mammy.........

Dougal: " Mrs Breen, have ya any stories about Doorbella?"

The Mammy: "Well, how much time have ya got luv?"

Dougal: " Loads!!!!!"

The Mammy: " You'd be surprized to hear that my little Derbhs was a bit of a handful..."

Dougal : "Ah no.... Mrs. Breen .... be serious!!!"

The Mammy: " No, she really was ....... you could nearly say she was a bit........ hyper"

Dougal: "You would never think that!!!!.....I'm really shocked.... yes... I'm really very shocked!!!"

The Mammy : " There was no Coke-a-Cola for my little girl, oh no .... once she managed to drink a whole half-can ..... she didn't sleep for three days.... and she liked to get her way too....if ya know what I mean"

Dougal: "Really"

The Mammy :" Something would happen ...... and the Doorbella-Wars would start .........of course Daddy would have to be called... and my little girl would have to be locked into a room for a few hours..... just to cool down..... but ya had to get the shoes off .... or she'd kick her way though the door..."

Dougal: " Joking ...........right ????"

The Mammy : " Do ya see these grey hairs"

Dougal : "Oh right......I see what ya mean"

 

BOBBIE DON'T FORGET TO TAKE HER SHOES OFF........

It was announced today that Dunnes Stores are to recall thousands of pairs of faulty boxer shorts. This is the result of a freak accident, which took place in Easkey a number of weeks ago? Only unofficial reports are available at present.

A press conference is scheduled for the end of the month at Dunnes Stores headquarters in Dublin. However, we have received information ahead of this meeting. The UUJ Canoe Club were on a weekend break in the west of Ireland. They arrived in the small town late on Friday night, the 26th of March. The club members including a young man from Monaghan, Jimmy Hurson decided to have a couple of quite drinks in the local pub. After a few hours later, they made their way back to the Hostel. They had planned a day of canoeing on the Easkey River the following day, so they headed straight for bed. As this was a hostel, all of the beds were in the same room.

The previously mentioned Mr. Hurson removed his clothes and placed them neatly under his bed. Then he grabbed his toothbrush and headed for the bathroom. As he walked a cross the crowded room, a strange noise was heard. Suddenly there was a flash of light as Jimmy's underwear exploded. With pieces of underwear everywhere, Jimmy fell to the floor in shock. Later that night he was rushed to Sligo hospital. Where had Micro-surgery to the lower regions of his body.

In the incident, Jimmy suffered some damage and is now in the process of suing Dunnes Stories for damages. It is believed the damages are in the region of £24.50 or a years subscription to Playboy.

AND THATS WHAT HAPPENED!!!!

Report by Dougal ..... Easkey 99

A number of years ago the club visited Ballina for a weekend of canoeing.....as is traditional on a canoe trip, a large amount of alcohol was consumed en-route.....another tradition is sign stealing or borrowing....

As we entered the town, Jim "the Boston Kid" McAlinden spotted a sign in the distance... in typical Jim fashion, he started to jump up and down in the back of the bus ..... at this stage, he was hammered on cheap Marks & Sparks beer ......and as we all know, Jim can be very persuasive after a few beers... in response to the tantrum in the rear of the bus, the driver slammed on the brakes but before the bus had stopped Jim was out the door and staggering up the street... Jim reached the sign, lifted it over his head to the delight of the cheering canoeists in the bus.... he placed the sign under his arm and began to run back to the bus.... at this time, a number of locals gathered to watch the proceedings.....

Meanwhile back at the bus... Dr Ian " Let's surf the mini-bus!!!" Hill, is telling the driver to pull off before Jim gets back... and that's what happened!!! The bus speeds away, leaving Jim behind holding a sign in one hand and his **** in the other hand.... to an audience of staring locals........................... If this were an ordinary canoeist this would be the end of the story......BUT we're talk'n about Jim "pinned under a tree" McAlinden ......

Unfortunately, Jim did not know the location of the hostel.... so he asked one of the locals for the directions to the ONLY hostel in town............ NOT Jim staggers into the nearest pub!!! The rest of the club head back to the hostel..... remove all the bags from the bus, have a cup of tea and decide to go for a few drinks ...... as luck would have it... we met Jim at the third pub.....and it has to be said.... Jim was polluted!!!! AND had taken a large "Pointy Head"......... I believe his words were: " Youuuse cann Kkk hick .....( belch) Kiss my sizeable arse ...... ( large fart) .... buck da caboo clubb ....... ( drools down the front of his shirt) ..... I'm go'n .....I a go'n toe wwha walk back to BBelfast..........basss hards .... buck you Hill...... piss off Dougal......." After ten minutes, of rolling around the floor of the bar in shear pain with laughter........most of us made it back to our table at the back of the pub........ half an hour later we ventured down to the bar again.....

Jim was joined at the face to a large hairy beast, unaware of our presence......this "thing" turned out to be one of the local ..... well........... girls...... Jim's brain was suffering from alcohol poisoning...... he seemed to be proud of his latest conquest and introduced Bessie to the rest of us.... then he turned to Bessie and continued to suck the alcohol from her stomach.... later Bessie took Jim home for a night of passion..... details of this chapter, will be left to the imagination... as they are very disturbing.....

The next day......... As planned, the club prepared for a day of surfing at Easkey..... unaware of what happened back at Bessies place.... luckily Jim woke up first.... climbed over Bessie .... tip- toed to the door picking up his clothes, shoes and underwear on the way... he moves down the stairs in James Bond Fashion.... opens the back kitchen door ... still naked .... he walks outside..... replaces his Y-fronts .... when suddenly, he hears the sound of a large animal running towards him ... no, no, not Bessie .... it's a real dog.... a big one..... Jim soils his bags .... then looks around to the fence at the bottom of the garden.... and starts to sprint .... with the dog just behind him .... he leaps over the fence with one mighty jump and the dog crashes into the base of the fence.. Jim lands in the middle of the footpath in the middle of Ballina .... shocked at what they see, a number of locals faint at the site of Jim's fine physique.... at this exact moment, the club bus is driving past.... we stop and Jim runs to the safety the UUJ mini bus...........................

And that's how it happened!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I'm not finished yet........................

Later that day while surfing at Easkey...... Jim and Dougal found themselves in the middle of the ocean...........when sudden gale force winds arrived......everybody else was at the shore getting changed.........

Dougal : " Where's the rest of the lads Jim?"

Jim : " Shut-up, Dougal .... my head is **** kill'n me!!!"

Dougal : " But Jim, everyone has gone back to the shore"

Jim : " Shit!!!!! You're right Dougal"

Dougal : " The shore is really far away!!!"

Jim : " Dougal?"

Dougal " What Jim!"

Jim: " Is your boat full of water? "

Dougal: " Yea , is yours ? "

Jim: " No, it's full of beer!!!!"

Dougal: " Nice one!!!"

Jim: " Unless we empty our boats, we are not go'n to make it back!!!!.........OK, I'm go'n to turn over, get out of my boat ...... then we're go'n to empty my boat on the front of your boat.... then I'll get back into my boat and we can do the same for you!!!!"

Dougal: " how do ya mean, Jim????"

Jim: "Shut-up, Dougal"

The lads empty Jims boat and Jim gets back in.... and Jim "the ****" paddles for the shore leaving Dougal behind....

Dougal: "Where are you go'n Jim??? ..............Did ya forget to empty my boat??? ................ JIM are you mess'n..................................................JIM YOU'RE A BALLOCKS!!!!!!!" Jim makes it back to shore leaving Dougal (a mere first year) all alone in the middle of the cold dark ocean.... with his boat full of water ..... Dougal summons all his strength and paddles back against all the odds..............WOW .......What a paddler!!!!!!!!!

And that's what happened.............. Dougal, Ballina 96.

Present Day..........

Dougal: "Jim,..........when are ya coming home from Japan?????? We miss ya!!!! ...... NOT .....ha ha......but seriously, Jim, ..... do ya know what we like about you????.........."

Jim: " Whats that Dougal???"

Dougal : " Feck all....!!!!"